Forget Horizon
by Blue Narcissus
Summary: Post ME2. The collectors are gone some shore leave is in order but Shepard is not feeling herself. Melancholy and moping, questioning her decisions; Jack has the solution, Shepard needs a man. Trouble is there is only one man that she wants.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**** A fic thats been writing itself in my head for a while now and going through another playthrough of ME2 I couldn't resist but start to write it. Will be reasonably short in the number of chapters and competely gratuitous, enjoy XD**

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"C'mon Shepard, who knows when the next time we'll get this kinda stretch of shore leave. You know its all going to kick off again soon; you need to kick back, do something for yourself and stop being the big goddamned hero all the time." Jack ribbed Shepard yet again as she knocked back another glass of the shimmering blue liquid and gestured to the turian barman for two more.

"What exactly do you think I'm doing here Jack, the Dark Star Lounge wouldn't normally be my choice of nightspots; if it weren't the only decent place on the Citadel to get a drink I'd be somewhere else." Shepard said with an exasperated sigh as she starred into her glass debating whether getting shitfaced was a good idea or not. She'd been feeling a little melancholy since they'd returned through the Omega 4 relay, they'd successfully taken out the Collectors, human colonies should be safe until the Reapers launched their next plan of attack on the galaxy so why wasn't she feeling elated and ready to enjoy herself?

Well for one she was debating whether she'd made the right decision or not, handing all of that data they found on the Collectors homeworld over to Cerberus. Sure learning everything they could about the Reapers was vital to finally beating them but she didn't trust the Illusive Man as far as she could throw him, and considering she never actually met him physically that wasn't far at all. Even Miranda had doubts about her choice and she was the biggest Cerberus supporter on her crew, that more than anything scared Shepard. If she'd made the wrong decision and he managed to screw the rest of the galaxy over she'd never forgive herself, she'd get revenge sure but that wouldn't bring back the people that died or races that were destroyed or any other horrific things he managed to exact on them all.

To top that off she'd lost a couple of good crew members back in the galactic core and coming back with only their bodies had been rough. They'd all gone in prepared that it could well be a one way trip but Shepard was very much of the mind that if a few could survive then she should have been able to keep them all alive. Zaeed had been through a hell of a lot worse than that and come out still fighting, Shepard still couldn't understand why he hadn't made it, and Samara? Well she never deserved to go like that, it had been horrible to see her taken by the Seeker swarms, powerless to stop it. Shepard had seen a done a hell of a lot of things in her lifetime, or two lifetimes if you liked, but nothing not even Torfan played on her mind like their last mission did.

"Oh come on Shepard you know that's not what I mean." Jack replied, physically elbowing the Commander causing her to slop some of her drink over the bar. "Getting wasted is one thing, but I've seen the way you've been moping around ever since we got back from killing that big assed reaper thing," Jack leaned in close so Shepard could smell the alcohol on her breath and hissed into her ear. "You need to get laid Shepard, would ease out all that tension you're carrying around. It ain't good for the crew you know, I mean I couldn't give a shit about your personal issues but the others seeing their commander moping around doesn't exactly evoke confidence."

"This is shore leave Jack, no mission to speak of yet, what exactly do I need to 'evoke confidence' in them for." Shepard asked, necking what was left in her glass and reaching for the next that was sitting waiting for her.

"Ah well lets see, that you made a _good _decision by handing over all that data to the fucking Illusive Man. They all think it was kinda dicey but to see you doubting it too, well if I were you I'd start questioning loyalties."

Shepard frowned, she knew all this already it had been running through her mind a hell of a lot but there was not need to let Jack know that she was right. "So how exactly is getting laid supposed to make this all magically better?"

"Well, because it just will trust me. At the very least it'll make you feel better, I mean come on how long has it actually been since you had a man between your thighs?"

Shepard coughed, choking on her drink as Jack asked that question. "That's…what's that got to do with anything?" she spluttered.

"Ahh, been that long huh?"

For a moment the usually smart-assed Commander with an answer for everything sat speechless, mouthing silent words of protest but if truth be told it HAD been a while but…"Yeah well I was technically dead for two years of that time Jack."

"Doesn't matter its still been…years? Damn maybe you need it even more than I thought." Jack shook her head downing her drink and ordering up another round for herself and the protesting Commander.

"So is this why you dragged me out here tonight? To try and pair me off with some pathetic lush because you think all my problems can be solved by one good night in bed." Shepard asked scathingly as she grabbed her next drink a little too roughly. The world was starting to appear rather hazy around the edges, not quite into dream sequence territory but a few more drinks and she'd get there sure enough.

"Fuck no, you can find your own damn bed partners I'm here looking for me. Girls gotta get her kicks some way, if were not out killing well then this is the next best thing. Just giving you my advice Shepard." Jack grinned, hopping off of the barstool and downing one final drink. "And speaking of which I'm off to find my sport for the night, you should do the same. If all else fails you could always see if you can convince Krios to crawl between your sheets, he needs it almost as much as you do."

Shepard had no reply to give, either she was feeling the alcohol far more than she realised or the impossible had just happened and Jack had left her without a witty retort to make. She mouthed wordlessly at the crazed biotic convict that had proved to be an invaluable member of her team as she stalked away like a cat hunting her prey and actually felt a little sorry for whoever the poor sap was that Jack got her claws into that night.

Still Shepard couldn't help but admit that maybe Jack was onto a good idea. It had been a while since the night before Ilos but she wasn't like Jack in that respect, she just couldn't see herself just jumping into bed with anybody. Thane was nice and everything but Shepard couldn't think of any tactful way of asking him to bed her, he didn't strike her as that sort either. Besides it all still felt rather complicated to Shepard, two years had passed for everyone else but not for her as she lay dead on an operating table. She knew there was only one man she really wanted back in her bed, but after what was said on Horizon and the way he'd looked at her; Shepard wasn't sure he'd even want to see her again.

"Well I do like making life difficult for myself." She muttered with a sigh, sinking her drink and ordering another. Time to revert back to her original plan to drink herself into a stupor; perhaps the resulting pain of hangover would help put things into perspective. Probably not but it seemed worth a shot.


	2. Chapter 2

"Yeah that's for damn sure," An all too familiar voice rasped from over her right shoulder. "Funny though you always seemed to thrive under the pressure."

Shepard could say nothing in reply, she was too busy coughing and spluttering, choking on her drink in shock once again as the barman mopped up the spilled blue alcohol from the surface of the bar for the third time that night. Keep that up and he'd be refusing to serve her again. Regaining some composure over herself; Shepard whipped around in the handy spinny barstool just to see if she wasn't imagining him. The world swam with colours for a minute, the small turn making her feel dizzy in her slightly drunken state. Shepard clapped a hand to her forehead; eyes closed willing them to focus properly. "Ugh remind me not to do that again." She muttered. She cracked her eyes open slightly and his face swim into view.

So she wasn't dreaming, he really was standing there behind her looking edible as ever…_Ok bad road to send your thoughts down, this is Jack's fault…_Funny she'd just been thinking about him and he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, would that work all the time she wondered…_No ok that's definitely the alcohol beginning to addle your brain now._

"Are you ok?" He asked, brow creasing with concern at his former Commanders coughing and dizzy state.

"Yeah, I'm fine, ah Kaiden wh-what are you doing here?" Shepard asked, mouth forming words slowly. She was sure she wasn't this drunk already.

"Same as you it seems, just enjoying a little shore leave before…well you know, other missions come along and the like." He said, his brow smoothing out once again and he shifted to avoid her eyes, instead leaning against the bar as if he were waiting to be served by the Turian barman and finally resolving to order a drink when the man flapped his mandibles at Kaiden menacingly.

Shepard also frowned, she'd liked his concern for her for that brief moment, but his avoiding looking at her then made her stomach plummet. _Well he didn't HAVE to come and talk to me,_ she thought bitterly, pouting at his back taking in the lean and well muscled contours of his body and allowing her mind to slip dangerously off into other directions again.

"You mean you assume we both have shore leave." She said suddenly and rather petulantly. "We've had missions here before Kaiden, what's to say I'm not here scoping some people out for some purpose or another." It sounded lame even to her but she just couldn't stop her mouth from running away with itself.

"Out of armour? Never once did you go shoreside on a mission without your armour Shepard, always defended and armed to the gills."

"Yeah well perhaps I thought to forego it this time for the sake of cover. And I am never unarmed." That much was true, even on shore leave she still had a pistol stashed about her person, you never could be too careful and considering the number of people that had tried to kill her (and actually once succeeded) in the past few years it seemed almost necessary.

Kaiden let out a sudden bark of laughter, "Yeah well that much I believe. And besides I know you have shore leave, I, ah, heard a little of your conversation with that other um person you were with."

Shepard frowned, must have been listening damn hard to have heard them over all of that music, sure Jack wasn't exactly being discreet in her talking but still the thudding beat was almost deafening. She looked away from him to her empty glass, and with a seconds thought signalled for another. "Well at least you have the grace to look vaguely embarrassed."

"Yeah, well it wasn't exactly the sort of conversation I'd have chosen to listen in on I just wanted to hear a little of what was going on. How much of the stories were true, I kinda got nothing that I bargained for."

Shaking her head Shepard snorted, "Not what you'd get from a conversation with Jack, once the people are dead they don't matter anymore. Why didn't you just ask? And what stories anyway? I've not really paid much attention to news of anything wasn't sure if Cerberus had released any details of…what exactly went on on our special mission…" _Good save there Shepard, _wouldn't do to go blurting out everything when she was questioning her decisions herself. She'd probably tell Kaiden anything that he asked but not so near that Turian barman, he was listening a little too closely for her liking.

He frowned at her, "Jack? The person you were with?" Shepard nodded, "I see you've recruited quite a colourful collection of characters again."

"Yeah, what with Garrus and Tali, not to mention Joker and Dr Chakwas, it could almost have been like old times again. We even had a Krogan and an Asari, it was just my two human squad members that, well, would never be quite the same." She was rambling and she knew it, but it didn't stop her from feeling sappy and sentimental about it all. A big part of her wanted to talk with Kaiden, really talk about everything that had gone on, about feelings and all that kind of stuff. But another was terrified of what might come of it; so she avoided. "But you didn't exactly answer my question Kaiden."

"No." He said simply taking a deep draught from his drink, so even he needed Dutch courage sometimes. "Well I suppose I wasn't really sure if I wanted to or not."

Forget about plummeting, Shepards stomach and heart and just about everything else felt as if it had just splattered all over the floor. It was like Horizon all over again, elation at seeing him and then the words that came out of his mouth, the look in his eyes and that dark disapproving tone that just about killed every hope she had of keeping anything going between them. Was she stupid to have kept hoping? His letter had sounded promising, in a strange sort of way, or perhaps she was just desperate for any tiny sign of hope she was ignoring the bigger picture. "Maybe Jack was right." She muttered under her breath, should she just go and jump the first man she could get her hands on, get Kaiden out of her system?

"What was that?"

"Oh, um, nothing…so, ah, something must have made up your mind for you then because what's this if it's not talking." Shepard asked, carefully avoiding looking at him for fear of doing something very girly and pathetic like crying and running away. She swallowed hard and refused to give in, she would not be won over so easily. Hell she'd saved the galaxy twice and counting she wouldn't cry over the tiniest thing like her former lover not sure if he wanted to speak to her again. But damn if it didn't hurt.

"I guess I couldn't help myself. You're not an easy person to ignore Shepard, even when you were…dead…it's all still a little hard to come to terms with."

"Hmph, yeah tell me about it, one minute I'm falling through space my suit damaged and suffocating me the next thing I know I'm spread out on a hospital table with someone yelling in my ear that the damn place is under attack. Talk about your wake up calls." She was rambling yet again, but she was starting to feel angry and angry was a hell of a lot better than teary. "Then to top it all off they tell me I've been technically dead for two years. Two years is a damn long time to miss, it's like having amnesia without ever the hope of getting your memory back again."

Kaiden stood there a little stunned as she ranted at him; he'd not been expecting her to get angry. He would be angry sure, the whole thing made him mad as hell and not necessarily with her but she was a good outlet for that rage being the cause of it in some shape or form. But for her to get mad first surprised him. He was torn, much as she was, on part wanting to scoop her up in his arms and remember what it was like to hold her, they'd found comfort in each other before why not again? But another part wanted to rage at her for leaving him like she did, for coming back so flippant and for working with the enemy. Sure they weren't the real enemy but they'd been just as close. She'd shattered his trust in her, intentionally or not and he just wasn't ready to piece it back together yet.

"Yeah, losing you was rough on all of us. Having you come back again was something else altogether." Kaiden said shaking his head not willing to burst just yet, she didn't really deserve his anger but it was hard to contain. "It's not exactly easy to accept Shepard, you were dead but for us life went on. We…I had to keep on living after you'd gone. I'd grieved and mourned for you then started to try and rebuild my life, then you come back and… well you heard this before but it threw everything back into chaos again."

Shepard nodded biting her lower lip in a show of frustration and far too many conflicting emotions. "Sounds like you rather wish I'd stayed dead." She suddenly muttered, finally catching his eye and holding it for an intense few seconds. All in a sudden flash of movement she'd hopped off of her barstool, activated her omni-tool and transferred the credits to the barman to clear off the tab her and Jack had started to run up, then she turned and without another word hurried for the exit of the Dark Star lounge.

It had suddenly become a whole lot harder to hold her emotions under control. "Why'd he have to catch me when I'm drunk?"


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard stumbled into the foyer of the Dark Star Lounge, the metal doors sliding shut and offering a quiet relief from the thudding music. She slowed her steps, breathing hard in an effort to keep composure of herself. She wanted to curl up in a little ball and hide away from the galaxy for a while, but not till she was back on board the Normandy. However it would do to have the brave, strong Hero that was Commander Shepard running through the Zakera wards with frantic haste and obviously in distress. No she was always the strong figure, angry and hot headed perhaps but never pitiful.

"Shepard!" The doors suddenly slid open, loud thudding music flooding the quiet foyer and carrying his voice with it.

She wasn't sure she wanted to do talking right at that moment. His voice was odd, angry in a way she'd not heard from him before and she didn't want to see him angry with her. Shepard shook her head and carried on walking towards the next set of doors, composed or not she counted that he at least wouldn't make a scene out in the wards, he might not even follow her. But she never got that far, she could hear his heavy footsteps falling swiftly behind her. She wanted to run but that was stupid, she didn't run from things let alone someone she had loved…still did love? Oh it was all just so confusing.

Kaiden reached out and grabbed her arm roughly at the elbow to stop her running away from him, "You can't just run off after saying something like that and not give me a chance to explain myself." He practically spat yanking her around to face him.

Her arm hurt from where his fingers dug into her flesh, gripping so tightly that she was sure he'd break her arm before she'd manage to struggle it away from him. So she didn't struggle, but as he yanked her around the movement took Shepard so off guard that the world span with colours again and she stumbled, falling against him. She had a sudden rush of déjà vu as her free hand came up to cushion her fall meeting firm pectoral muscles and an incredible urge to kiss him overcame her. But it wasn't right, it hadn't been angry or rough before…

Shepard frowned as her drink addled brain slowly filtered back into control and his previous words came back to her. "Explain yourself? So it is true then!" Desire to kiss replaced with desire to slap but she didn't, she shoved at him wrenching her arm from his slackened grip and stumbled away; backing too hard into the wall that it knocked the breath from her lungs. _Damn I'm going to be bruised in the morning._

"You've even thought up some explanation to justify yourself! You really wish that I hadn't come back, that I'd stayed dead." She burst out through ragged breaths as her lungs filtered air back in. She stayed leaning against the wall for support, had enough of stumbling and being dragged around for one night.

"No damnit Shepard! I don't wish you'd stayed dead, I wish you'd never died at all. We had a good thing going, all of us, the crew, everybody, we lost you and it all went to hell. Without a Commander we had no reason to stick together anymore. No one wanted to believe in the Reapers, it all just got buried and there was nothing we could do about it, do you know how frustrating that is?"

"Funnily enough Kaiden actually yes or do you not remember all the shit we got from the old council when we were hunting Saren? So the new one isn't any better, big fucking surprise, but that's not the real issue here is it? I don't want to know about this, I don't care right now, Kaiden what concerns me is you. You have all this anger pent up inside you that you're dying to let loose, so do it!" Shepard pushed away from the wall, frustration and adrenaline giving her legs back their life. "Go on, blow up at me, rant about how you hate that I left you; that I ordered you into that escape pod. That I came back working for Cerberus after the number of them we'd tried to wipe out together. Tell me how you can never trust me again or some such other shit but please just do it now because I can't take anymore of the build up when I know what's coming."

Kaiden's dark eyes widened as she raged at him again, once more he'd not been expecting it. "Well it sounds like you got just about all of it covered there, I needn't bother." He said in a dark and bitter tone.

"Needn't bother, but you want to!"

"Yeah I do." He rasped in a tone that made Shepard a little nervous, "I want you to feel the pain that I did Shepard because it doesn't seem to even bother you!"

"Oh it bothers me Kaiden believe me, you have no idea what is going on inside of my head I just don't let it eat me away…" Or was that a lie, hadn't she been doing just that recently? Without a mission to take up her time and her attention these things took the chance to creep back into her thoughts and try to drown her. "I couldn't…there were things that needed to be done and there was only me that could do them. Damn that sounds big headed even to me."

"But we both know it's true, even right now I won't deny that. Cerberus wouldn't have spent all that money to bring you back if someone else could have done what you did."

Shepard frowned, just how much did he know? "You said you'd heard stories, what exactly did you hear?"

"You're changing the subject Shepard, something finally starting to hurt?"

She glared at him, "Just answer the question…please."

"Just rumours really, I imagine the, what is it? Illusive Man? Released them into the Alliance channels to boast about what Cerberus had done that the Alliance couldn't. Basically said that the initial threat to the human colonies from the Collectors was over."

Shepard nodded, sounded like the sort of thing the Illusive Man would do. "That's true, the Reapers are still out there but they've not got their Collector pawns any longer."

"But how? What did you do?" He asked, curiosity for a moment overshadowing his rage. Shepard hesitated and just looked at him while still carefully avoiding his eyes, her mouth formed silent words and it struck her that she must have spent a good part of her evening looking like a fish at feeding time. "See this is just it Shepard, how can I trust you when you're keeping big things like this from me and the Alliance?"

"What does it matter what we did, can't you just accept that what you've heard is the truth and leave it at that?"

"No!" Simple answer and Kaiden said no more even though Shepard paused and waited for him to continue. When the silence started to stretch too long she relented.

"Fine, if it'll do anything to help you trust me again I'll tell you, but only YOU Kaiden. I don't personally care who knows but the Illusive Man might and I…well I wouldn't like to think what he might do to you."

"I can take care of myself Shepard, you know that."

"Yeah I do, still I don't want to give him a reason to try…I would never forgive myself."

Kaiden let another silence stretch out between them; he was considering his options very hard. She seemed almost morbidly sincere, a little more pain creeping into her eyes. "Fine, just between us then."

She nodded and took a deep breath, "Ok, well we took the Omega 4 relay to the Collectors homeworld and we wiped them out from there." Vague a little perhaps but it about summed the whole thing up.

"What? How, no one knows where the Collectors are from and the Omega 4 relay is always locked."

"Ah I don't know Kaiden we found some data from somewhere, the Illusive mad had his tip offs and contacts and all that crap. Found some programme thing, you know how good I am with the technical stuff, which would show us where their homeworld was, also led them straight to the Normandy and got my whole damn crew kidnapped, if it weren't for Joker and EDI the whole damn lot would be dead and we'd all be Collector chow."

Kaiden shook his head, when she got into her stride Shepard really got talking, particularly when she had a few good drinks in her. "So where was it, the Collectors homeworld."

"…The galactic core."

He shook his head, "No way Shepard, there is nothing there, there can't be it's a mass of black holes…"

"Yeah we had just the same discussion with the AI, but trust me there is more than black holes there. Though a little less now after the neutron purge wiped out every organic lifeform in that place."

"You went to the Galactic core? Shepard nothings ever been through that relay and come out alive, that'd be why! You went in there knowing…"

"That we might not be coming back?" She finished for him, "Yeah, we were all prepared for it to be a suicide mission and for two of my crew it was."

"Shit! Shepard why? How could you just go into that not knowing if you were going to come back again or not?"

"Isn't every battle we go into like that though Kaiden? You never know the day when someone is going to get the lucky shot on you?" She said feeling her words as far too philosophical to follow one of the few times she'd ever heard him curse. "But, as far as this time goes, I suppose there was no other choice, we were as prepared as we could be and I, well, wasn't sure there was anything all that great to be coming back to. So if worse came to the worst, as long as we got the job done, it wouldn't be a huge loss on the galaxy."

"No great loss? Don't give me that Shepard, what was it, trying to play the martyr? And nothing to come back to? Well that about says it all doesn't it. The way you just come back all business as if no time had passed at all and with Cerberus…do you know what that did to fuck with my mind with my life? And now you tell me that I could have lost you again and not even known about it."

Shepard shook her head. "No Kaiden, you lost me once. I may have come back but you didn't want to find me and I still don't think you're sure about that even now. I can stand here in front of you talking, very much alive, but to you I'm not the same anymore. It's not you who's lost me Kaiden, I'm here and waiting, it's me who's lost you."

"You never lost me, I didn't go anywhere, haven't changed."

"Really?" Shepard said in disbelief as she closed the gap between them. She looked up intently into his dark eyes, her own glistened with tears that still remained unshed but they were there and waiting to fall. "Then tell me you love me. Because I know that I still love you."

He looked down at her and wanted to say it, he could almost feel the words on his tongue but there was so much else going on that they didn't sound real. He was still angry, he was hurt and confused and not even convinced that she was still the same Shepard he had fallen in love with. Conflicting arguments warred in his head, the Shepard he knew would never work for Cerberus, but they'd turned around and done what the Alliance couldn't and protect the human colonies. They'd done so much bad and fucked up shit he didn't even want to associate with it and she was, but Shepard had never been a part of that. And what she had done had saved the damn galaxy again….maybe she was still the same…

He must have let the silence stretch for too long, the thoughts in his head battling amongst themselves as the words remained perched on his tongue. But it was Shepard who spoke first.

"See, that's what I thought." Her voice sounded strange, quiet and strained, cracking slightly as if she were fighting back a sob and before he knew it she had turned and was gone again and he wasn't sure how he could go about getting her back after that.


	4. Chapter 4

The Zakera wards passed in a haze of shimmering metallic colours as Shepard raced through as quickly as she should. She focused on nothing save for the path in front of her and putting one foot in front of the other, she wanted to get back to the Normandy and hide out in her cabin for a good long while; maybe until the Illusive Man came up with something new for her to focus her mind on and help her forget about everything else.

She'd had a feeling it would come to this, Horizon had been the start of it and it hadn't seemed to have improved. It seemed that Kaiden still couldn't accept Cerberus, even if they had done a damn good job at protecting the galaxy from the Collectors under Shepards lead, but she wasn't sure that was even the biggest issue. Hell even Shepard still didn't trust the Illusive Man and his organisation, they had some fucked up ideas but they'd been her saviours when the Alliance gave up, she'd owed them her allegiance at the very least, well when she agreed with what they were doing anyway. Shepard liked to be the one to call the shots, always had done, she'd made some bad decisions along the way, learned from mistakes, but once she had a goal in mind she would give anything to get it done.

That was what killed her about Kaiden. She'd wanted him for a long time since he first joined her crew and had flirted and worked her damn ass off determinedly to get him, even with his over thinking, Alliance regs and what not it had still happened. He'd even go so far as to profess love for her, well near enough in a few more well worded sentences, but she'd never said it back. She felt it, but these things were often a lot easier to feel than they were to voice aloud; still she had been certain that he knew. But the one time she does manage to tell him and it seemed to be too much too late.

_Never get comfortable, remember that, because as soon as you do something will blow it all to hell and you'll be left regretting not saying the one thing you know you should have. _

Shepard shook her head and pressed on, stern faced and determined, making for the doors that led out past the C-sec security checks. At least there were no pesky ID and weapons scans on the way out to hold her up as she wasn't sure how much longer she could stand tall and not break down. _Not until you get on the damn ship._

She was feeling drained, the anger had completely dissipated when he had not uttered a reply. She should have known it was coming, but the silence seemed even harder to bear than if he had simply told her 'no', she'd just had to run. The brave Commander Shepard who never ran from anything runs away from her former lover twice in one night, she could almost see the headlines if people knew about it. Was it pitiful to cling onto the past so? Not for the first time she was considering Jacks 'advice', but she knew she would wake up regretting it massively in the morning. The pain of a love lost so recently didn't just disappear because you found someone new to take to your bed.

With a heavy sigh Shepard slumped through the door and into the decontamination chamber of the Normandy. She waited the short stretch of time while it roved her body, realised only then that she felt stone-cold sober once more. _Guess a conversation of that sort can be rather sobering. _She thought a little bitterly, wishing for nothing more than another bottle of something to knock her out so that she might at lest get some sleep and not spend half the night re-talking her conversation with Kaiden inside her head trying to see if it could have gone any differently if she'd just thought a little more before running her mouth off.

EDI greeted her a little too chirpily for Shepard's liking even in the monotone computerised voice, or perhaps Shepard was really just feeling that bitter. She made a noncommittal sort of grunt in recognition of the AI's greeting and hurried towards the elevator. She didn't want to be disturbed, anybodies problems they had could wait till the damn morning but When Kelly Chambers spoke to her Shepard found it hard to snap at the yeoman.

"Commander you have some new messages at your private terminal." Were the words that she'd heard so often before.

"Thanks Kelly, I'll check them upstairs. You're still working? The entire crew has shore leave you should go enjoy yourself; especially after what happened with the Collectors you deserve a break." Shepard said, wondering why the diligent yeoman was always at her post no matter what time she seemed to pass it by.

"Oh I will Shepard, I just had a few things to tie up…are you ok? You don't look so good."

"Yeah, well it's been kind of a rough night." Shepard shrugged, details were the last thing she wanted to go into, especially with Kelly who doubled as the ships shrink.

"I suppose that could be expected from going drinking with Jack."

That, at the very least, made Shepard crack a small smile. "Yeah you could say that, I take it she's not been back yet?"

"No Commander, no sign of her. Why were you expecting her back at all?"

"No, I'd just have been surprised if she was back already, especially if she was alone." Shepard shook her head. "Goodnight Kelly, I'll check my messages up in my cabin then I think crashing is in order, I'd rather forget about tonight as quickly as possible."

She didn't wait for any reply as she opened the elevator doors and jabbed at the button for the top floor of the ship to where she could seek some solace in her quiet little haven. Shepard had to admit one thing Cerberus had done a damn good job with the Captains cabin, plush for a starship didn't quite describe it and was about the nicest place she'd ever called home (well perhaps save for the apartment she'd won on a bet on the Pinnacle station but when did she ever find the time to go there?)

The door opened and Shepard immediately shut off the sound system, she wasn't in the mood for music. She glanced into the once again empty fish tank, never could keep the damn things alive for long but it lit the room nicely, then took a seat at her desk to take a look at the mail Kelly said she'd been sent. Much the same as it had been since they got back and various stories had been leaked out to the public, not a whole lot of it was true apart from what the Alliance seemed to know however the messages of thanks and gratitude were nice recognition that her mission had been worthwhile.

"Let's just hope they still feel this way once the Illusive Man decides what he's going to do with the data I sent him." She muttered, marking all the messages as read then shutting off the blinking screen. The bed looked tempting but as physically exhausted as she felt Shepard wasn't sure she'd be able to sleep. With a groan she lay her head down on the desk, she was getting a migraine and all the thoughts screaming at her from inside her head were not helping any…_Maybe Dr Chakwas has some of that brandy left, I could always buy her another next time we're on Omega. _

Shepard had just made up her mind to go down and pay the Doctor a visit, or raid her cupboards and leave an apologetic note…she was sure to understand the need right?...when the sound of her cabin door sliding open caught her attention. She dragged her head off of the desk wondering who the hell was disturbing her and mentally kicking herself for not engaging the lock. She glared at the black stretch of walkway until some booted feet homed into view, some that looked awfully familiar. Shepard trailed her eyes up his body until she met Kaiden's dark eyes and frowned.

"EDI! Are you in the habit of letting just anyone who feels like it wander on to our ship?" She asked scathingly still feeling terribly bitter, but it was at least better than the overwhelming urge to cry she'd squashed. If she could stay pissed off then maybe he would be able to drag it back.

"My apologies Commander, Commander Alenko here said he had something important he needed to discuss with you and I presumed you would not mind seeing as how you keep a photograph of him on your desk." The AI replied and Shepard scowled.

"Yes, well thanks EDI but try asking next time please." She snapped, feeling her cheeks burn. So yes it was true she'd kept that photo of Kaiden hopefully on her desk but he didn't need to know about it.

"I guess that's the kind of reception I should have expected." He said looking slightly sheepish but the mix of emotions in his eyes confused her more. She still couldn't fathom what he was thinking, perhaps that was because he couldn't either.

"Hmph, you're here now so what was it you wanted to talk about? I didn't think there was anything more to be said…god knows you were silent for long enough." She muttered the last under her breath but she had a feeling he still heard her in the quiet of her quarters.

"You ran off again before I could say anything…"

"I couldn't stand the awkward silence any longer than I did Kaiden, not after…what I'd said…it shouldn't have been a difficult question to answer." Shepard said feeling exasperated.

"Not a difficult question to answer? How can you think that Shepard, after all that's gone on these last few years?"

"Because you should still know how you feel!" She spat, tears threatening to make an appearance again. She'd managed to refrain from crying at all so far but if he stayed there much longer she might not be so lucky. "You may not trust me anymore, or even think you know who I am, none of that matters its not relevant to my question. I didn't ask whether you thought we could have a relationship still I asked if you still loved me or not. Simple enough, yes or no answer, not fucking rocket science! Fuck everything else and just tell me the truth it's all I want to know!"

He'd never seen her quite so emotional before, nor had he heard her swear quite so much. He felt frustrated with her ranting at him, angry that she had the nerve to demand this from him and yet ashamed that he was making her feel that way. The silence stretched yet again, conflicted with everything even after what she had said. If he admitted the truth would she seek more from him that he might not be able to give? She said no but he couldn't be sure.

Shepard shook her head. "Still the same, why come here if you really haven't got anything more to say?" She stood up from behind her desk. "Why torture me?"

"Torture?" He said in shock, "You think this is torture?" She'd made to push past him down the three stairs into her sunken 'living area' but as she came close he grabbed her again, fingers digging into the soft flesh of her upper arms and he forced her to meet his eyes. "This is nothing Shepard, you've no idea the torture I felt when you were gone, even when you'd come back!"

His dark tone made her shiver, "So what? You're trying to make me feel the same now? You never pegged me as petty Kaiden and you know I couldn't help any of that." She said surprised at just how even and steady her voice remained.

"No, you didn't. But that doesn't mean it still didn't hurt."

"I never meant to hurt you Kaiden." Shepard said softly.

He let her go so suddenly, pushing her slightly away from his body, that she tripped and fell down the shallow steps landing in a heap on the hard floor. "Ow, fuck! I really am going to be bruised in the morning." She grumbled getting to her knees. Seems her head may have felt sober as anything but her body didn't much want to comply.

Kaiden looked down at her on the floor and felt a jolt of something. He hadn't meant to make her fall, he wasn't even sure he had or if she had fallen of her own accord. But he still had to pick her up and an apology was on his lips automatically. "Sorry." He said, holding a hand into her eye line.

She took it and allowed him to help haul her back to her feet. "Not your fault," She said shaking her head. "My limbs still seem to think that they're inebriated."

"About it all Shepard…"

"Still don't want apologies Kaiden. An answer, that's it; yes or no?" She said standing close enough to feel the warmth of him and looking at him intently, waiting for the blow of his reply to hit her.

She watched his hands bunch into fists, a wave of thoughts and emotions crossed over his faced but she didn't interrupt this time. Tension knotted his shoulders for a moment but with a heavy sigh he let it loose, he closed his eyes and mouthed something silent Shepard couldn't make out before opening them and holding her gaze.

"Yes!"


	5. Chapter 5

"Yes." He'd said. Shepard had been standing before him, fists clenched, chewing on her lower lip and waiting for the blow that would hit her when he said no, it wouldn't be physical but to actually hear it would be sure to knock her on her ass, yet she knew she couldn't go on living not knowing one way or another it didn't do any good to keep fooling herself.

She waited and the blow never came, she wondered for a moment if he was still stuck in that awkward silence and it was a few moments before her brain truly registered what her ears had heard. "Yes?"

Kaiden frowned, "Yes. What? Not the answer you were looking for?" He asked. A touch of bitterness crept into his voice, she'd been the one who'd kept pressing for an answer and this was all the reaction he got.

"No, I mean yes…of course it was the answer I wanted to hear it just wasn't the one I was expecting…hell I don't know I guess I was just bracing myself for the worst." She replied with a shake of her head, _not much of a reply to give to the man who'd just told you he loves you! _

Kaiden looked just as enthused, he stood still frowning wondering where this revelation got them both. So they still loved each other what next? He still wasn't sure he wanted to try and make something work, he wasn't even sure if it could. Sure the Alliance and Cerberus would be working a little more closely when it came to fighting the Reapers this time around rather than competing but the organisations still didn't trust each other and wanted to be the one in charge. Kaiden also had a feeling that the side that Shepard was one was more likely to be the one to get things done, she had a way of doing that and felt slightly embittered that it wasn't the Alliance. He could never work for Cerberus.

"So what happens now?" He asked in a low tone that made Shepard shiver.

Now his words had sunk in she began to realise the potential of what it could mean for them, or rather her still vaguely drunken body started to realise what it could mean for that moment. She as suddenly very aware of just how close she'd stood to him, she could feel him as a line of heat barely inches in front of her and her fingertips itched to reach out and smooth over his chest. Her head however was still feeling sensible enough to tell her that was a bad idea, his declaration that he still loved her had in no way been an invitation to jump back into bed together, as much as she wanted to it still felt all to awkward, like walking a knife edge.

"I don't know." She breathed, clenching her fists harder nails digging into her palms to stop herself from grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to kiss her. "I just needed to know I guess." Shepard sighed and looked up again, very serious eyes meeting his dark gaze.

There came the awkward silence again as Kaiden studied her face, those strange glowing scars that were signs of the 'accident'; he wanted to trace them with his fingers and see what they felt like, see if her skin still felt the same as before or if Cerberus had rebuilt her differently. One thing was strikingly different and Kaiden was surprised that he had not really noticed it before, not properly at least. "You know your eyes are almost the same colour as your hair." He said suddenly, brow still creased in a frown as he studied her strange eyes that glowed a deep red from implants that obviously gave her corpse back its sight, he even reached out and trailed delicate fingers over the dark red hair she kept perpetually piled on top of her head in a bun.

Shepard felt goosebumps rise on her scalp from his barest touch but his words hit on a nerve, something that had niggled at her ever since she woke up and learned what had happened to her. She closed her eyes and turned away from him, while still wishing she could feel his touch, heading over to the empty fish tank she pressed her forehead against the cool glass and sighed.

"What's wrong?" Kaiden asked softly, his footsteps moving up close behind her, "I didn't meant to upset you, if anything I thought it might have made you laugh a little."

"I…it's just a reminder, always, of how I'm not entirely human anymore." She whispered, "Same with the scars, I could have them healed but what difference would it make really, wouldn't change what I am now. I guess that's why I was so convinced you were going to tell me no."

Kaiden raised his hands and set them both upon her shoulders, squeezing lightly then moving to caress her upper arms in what he hoped was a comforting manner. "My love for you never disappeared and no matter what I tried I knew it never would. But it's not the same."

Shepard sighed again, "It'll never be the same, we're not the same as we were before Ilos, too much has happened…" She raised her head from the glass of the fish tank and looked around at him, "We had so little time it doesn't seem fair."

She sounded so low and it surprised him, his Shepard never sounded defeated had it all become too much for her the bear? And, perhaps it was a little egotistical which was why Kaiden was loathe to think it, but had his being there for her before been that important, given her that strength to carry on even when things seemed hopeless?

"We have some time now." He purred softly, sliding his arms lower and snaking them around her waist and holding her close to him so their bodies moulded together in one long line; he had forgotten just how well she seemed to fit against him and to hold her again was almost like no time had passed at all.

Shepard sagged slightly into his arms, loving the warm and comforting feel of them as they wrapped her up and made her feel safe and secure. It felt that if she could just stay there forever then everything in the universe would be ok, it was a big lie but the illusion was nice for a while, especially when the truth was so daunting. His words ignited that spark of hope inside of her again; she wanted him more than anything but she couldn't stop asking questions of it.

"But is it enough, is love enough?" She asked still not turning around to face him yet, she had a feeling that if she did she'd want to kiss him and that would be the end of all rational thought. Jack may have been all for that idea but she didn't think like Shepard did, well not all the time anyway. "Like you said it's not the same. You may still love me but after Horizon…I could have been sure you'd never want to touch me again; the things you said…"

Kaiden let out a groan, frustration beginning to creep back into his veins. It had seemed to him that she had pushed and pushed for this, for answers and now she was the one questioning and resisting. She'd made him remember, made him spill out the true feelings he'd been trying to squash away and forget about and now that he was feeling it all again she was going to turn him away so she could wallow in self-pity. That sure as hell wasn't the Shepard he knew, but she was in there somewhere and Kaiden was damn well going to find her.

With firm hands on her waist he spun her around to face him and fixed his gaze firmly with those deep red eyes; no comments about their inhuman strangeness to sink her lower this time. She gasped slightly in surprise at the sudden movement and felt a heat rise to her cheeks as she found herself more obviously trapped between the cool of the fish tank and the comparatively scorching heat of his body.

"Aren't I touching you now?" He hissed, hands slipping lower and giving her hips a sharp squeeze.

She gasped again, more audibly this time as his fingers dug into her soft flesh, "Yes but…" She whispered, unable to speak more loudly as her breath caught in her chest.

"No buts Shepard, you pushed for this I know it's what you wanted. No matter what you were saying back in the club I saw the consideration of Jack's 'advise' cross your face. If it's going to be someone tonight Shepard I want it to be me. Forget about horizon and kiss me."

She didn't argue this time, no more questions came to her lips; they could figure out the details of where they went in the morning. She wanted him and badly so it was with great enthusiasm that she complied with his request to kiss him. She shifted forwards, flung her arms around his neck and blissed as their lips collided. Her fingers snaked through his hair and her lips parted allowing him to invade her mouth beginning a war of tongues as they tried to drink each other deeper. He pressed her back against the fish tank, pinning her there and ravishing her mouth; the rising passion growing rough and urgent as he started to bite her battle chapped lips. The skin there was so cracked and fragile that it didn't take much force for Kaiden to draw blood but it wasn't until Shepard could taste the metallic tang on her tongue that she pulled away with a gasp of pain as it stung.

She was surprised, he'd never been so rough before but somehow her body seemed to crave it. Perhaps it was the length of time they'd been apart or the softly simmering anger that still bubbled under the surface of each others lust that added fuel to the fire, made him want to draw a little pain from her pleasure and a part of Shepard needed to feel it. Shepard drank in the sight of him, what she could see that wasn't pressed tight against her own body at least, his lips painted a bright crimson from the smear of blood he'd drawn from her and she hungered for him even more.

Her hands reached out and tugged his Alliance issue t-shirt free of his waistband and ran her hands over his chest, nails roughly tracing the defined edges of his muscles, the silky smoothness of the odd scar here and there. Kaiden had moved his kisses to her jaw line, a fleeting touch of lips followed by a nip and scratch of teeth, biting hard enough that Shepard knew he'd be leaving little tooth-shaped indentations in her skin.

Shepard was growing desperate in her desire to feel more of his flesh, hands just weren't covering enough of it, and was inching his shirt up higher wanting to tear it over his head and press herself to his bare chest while her hands raked his broad back. But Kaiden stopped her, he grabbed her wrists and pinned them at her sides making Shepard growl in frustration but he didn't fail to notice her breathing hitch a little more in anticipation of what he might do to her.

For one intense moment he held her gaze, his dark eyes smouldering with nothing but lust, as the rest of their conversations and issues lay forgotten. Then he dipped his head and began to attack her neck, seeking out all of the sensitive spots he knew were there with as much fervour as he'd kissed her lips. He knew it drove her crazy, that do it just right and he could have her mewling and begging him desperately to fuck her. He kissed and nuzzled at the skin just above her shoulder, below her ear, beneath her jaw, trailing his tongue in a hot wet line and ghosting heated breath over the trail. He felt her shiver beneath him, hands clutching at nothing longing to get a grip on him and the soft whimper that left her lips spurred him on. He kissed harder, pulling the skin into his mouth with his lips, biting down gently and then harder all the while listening to her whimper and gasp as she lost control. As he bit a line from her jaw to her shoulder Shepard felt her knees buckle, she'd always known her neck was sensitive to this sort of attack but she felt like putty in Kaidens hands unable to string two coherent words together and gasping in desperate need for more.

He caught her before she fell, not that she'd fall far pinned against him and the tanks set in the wall, he scooped her up with hands beneath her buttocks and grunted slightly in surprise as she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist; trapping him against her as effectively as his hips had her pinned to the wall. Wrists free again Shepard took advantage, running her hands through his hair, down his neck and raking nails down his back but she just couldn't reach low enough to lift his shirt again.

"Ugh, Kaiden let me touch you please I want to feel skin." Shepard moaned in frustration as he continued to attack her neck, other parts of his anatomy pressing against her and little sending jolts of pleasure up her spine, just where she wanted him but with far too much clothing in the way.

Kaiden chuckled against her neck and Shepard felt it vibrate through her skin stimulating her sensitised nerves even further. She squirmed in his grip, grinding against him; unintentionally at first but the feel of him pressed hard against her drove her mad and when she felt his reciprocating groan rumble through her skin she wriggled a little more pressing hard against him and feeling the slickness of just how aroused she had become.

Raising his head from her neck Kaiden let out a growl low in his throat as Shepard writhed against him like a cat in heat. "Eager, Shepard? You weren't even this keen the first time." He teased holding a firmer grip on her hips and pressing harder against her. His hardness a constant pressure against her but he held her firm so that she could not create any more friction, much to Shepard's irritation.

"Call it a long time of knowing exactly what I was missing." She gasped, frustrated. "Kaiden please, I don't like to be teased."

"Please what?" He purred, jerking his hips slightly and making her yelp with both surprise and desire.

"Please…oh please just fuck me!" She panted, "Or at the very least get out of your clothes so I know you're not just going to leave me like this." Perhaps she really was just as desperate as Jack had assumed but letting Kaiden know that had never been her plan and her attempt to redeem herself on that part didn't sound all that effective when thinking back over it. She almost cringed at her own words until he laughed softly, dark eyes twinkling and a devious smile on his lips.

"Oh I'm not leaving Shepard." He said hoisting her more securely into his arms and carrying her away from the wall. With ease he carried her down the three small steps into her sunken living area, not stumbling once, and he lay her back on the silken sheets of the bed; crawling up to meet her face so that his body hovered above her. "I'm not done with you yet."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: ****Soo the first real warning for lemons in this chapter (and will be following chapters) you have been warned but you should have seen it coming XD **

**(This fic has kind of taken over at the moment, however I've not forgotten my other ones and they'll all be updated...eventually but this one wants to be written so I'm going with it for now.)  
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Kaiden let out an exclamation of surprise that was quickly stifled by Shepards mouth as she grabbed his shoulders and yanked him down to kiss her. He collapsed on top of her body, arms giving out at the sudden movement she made that caught him off guard, and he was painfully aware that he must be crushing her with his weight sprawled so clumsily on top of her. Shepard however made no movement nor indication that she was uncomfortable, his weight above her again felt glorious albeit a little difficult to breathe perhaps. But breathing was the last thing on her mind as she kissed him feverishly; her hands on his face, his neck, shoulders, back, all clinging him close to her, never wanting to let him go again.

Feeling light-headed and short of breath Shepard suddenly pulled away with a gasp, craning her neck back to seek fresh air and giving him back access to all of those sensitive little spots. She moaned as he nipped at the skin of her neck, hands convulsing in the fabric of his shirt; she needed him now.

She tugged at his clothing to no avail, finding it too firmly pinned between them to expose the smooth expanse of his chest that she loved so much. His body was perfect, just the right amount of sculpted hard muscle with the odd scar here and there to make it look interesting and as if the physique was worked at out of necessity and not simply to look good; but it was a hell of a good bonus that Shepard wanted to indulge in. "Shit," She hissed in frustration, hands balling into fists in his shirt so much so that she'd be leaving wrinkles in the military issue civvies (what an oxymoron they were but heck they all wore them).

Getting the hint Kaiden moved to his knees, pinning just her lower body to the bed, and tugged the shirt over his head. The soft lighting from the fish tank illuminated the olive tones of his skin, picking out the gentle lines of pectorals and abs. The shirt was swiftly discarded of upon the floor and he grinned down at Shepard's hungry expression. "Better?" He asked.

Shepard smirked and growled with desire. Raising her upper body to reach him again she smoothed her hands over him finally touching skin, feeling the heat of it beneath her fingertips and wanting more. She kissed him quickly, "It's a start." She purred, reaching coyly for his belt buckle.

A part of her had half expected him to stop her hands as she tugged the leather strap through the metal buckle so he could continue to taunt and tease her by not letting her get at what she wanted. But he didn't and as she slipped the belt from the loops and tossed it with a clatter to the floor and reached for the button and zip that fastened his pants she met his eyes and met nothing but a dark anticipation as he watched her.

Kaiden had wanted to stop her, to carry on teasing and taunting her until she met breaking point but as she tugged at the fastenings on his pants promising some relief to the hardness that was beginning to ache he changed his mind. It had been a long time for him too, longer in fact seeing as Shepard had been dead or comatose for most of it. He'd been on a date or two with that doctor on the Citadel but nothing had progressed past a little kissing, the body may have been more than willing but the mind had not been ready to take another woman to his bed; not while Shepard still haunted his thoughts and as much as he liked this doctor she just hadn't been Shepard. But now it was Shepard that sat beneath him again, relieving him of his clothing and the wonder of what she was going to do next tightened his chest and hitched his breathing. He'd waited so long, not willing to replace her and now against all odds he had her back again it was almost too much for his lust filled mind to cope with and from her first gentle touch he knew it wouldn't take much for him to lose it.

Shepard had loosened his pants away from his hips and shoved them down as far as they could fall and she reached for his underwear, tented about as far as they could strain. She ran delicate fleeting touches over the length of him and was rewarded with a soft moan and then more as she grasped him through the fabric remembering the size and feel of him.

His moans drove her crazy, she loved being able to elicit that sort of reaction from him again and after a few moments more squeezing and caressing him she reached creeping fingers for the waistband and tugged it away from his body.

This time she did feel his hands stop her, holding onto her own but not yet moving them away. "Shepard wait, I can't…" Kaiden gasped and Shepard looked up to him with two horror filled eyes.

He was going to tell her he couldn't do this, that he had to go, she was sure of it. "Kaiden," She tried coaxing, clenching a fist around him again and eliciting a hiss from his lips.

"Shepard I'm sorry, it's been so long and, I'd let you do anything you want, but I'm not going to last and I need to have you." He purred desperately.

Shepard was so surprised that an uncontrollable giggle escaped her lips, she'd never laugh at him but it was the biggest relief to hear, insecurities getting the better of her.

"Well I'll admit that laughing at me might do the trick, but it's not exactly the way to go about making me feel better." He huffed suddenly sounding slightly offended.

She shook her head, the giggles swiftly suppressed. "No, Kaiden, I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing at you I promise." She smoothed her hands through his hair and held his face so he'd look at her, "I was panicking again that you'd tell me you couldn't do this and that you had to leave."

He studied her eyes to read the sincerity in her words then let a small smile creep to his lips as he shook his head. "Not a chance Shepard. I don't know what you've done to me but right now I need you and badly at that."

Shepard smirked, "That's good to hear, and for the record I don't care how long you're going to last right now because I don't plan on letting you out of here any time soon." She purred again, snaking her arms possessively around his shoulders; now she had him again she was going to enjoy him for as long as possible. "And right now I want to do something, if you'll let me."

Kaiden caught her lips and kissed her quick and rough, she sounded a little too possessive and he still wasn't sure where this would be going come the morning but there was no way in hell he was up and leaving before the night was over so he let it slide. He was more intrigued by what she wanted to do to him, "And what is that?" He breathed against her mouth kissing her again and gripping her shoulders to try and lower her back down to the bed but this time it was her who stopped him.

"Something I was regretting not doing before when we were together," She whispered giving him no hints, but he was quietly hoping… "You'll have to let me up first though."

"Hmm, but I do so like having you beneath me Shepard." He breathed back in a velvet tone that made her shiver. "Such a power trip."

"I don't outrank you anymore Kaiden, can't live the fantasy of dominating your CO anymore." She teased wondering if that had been what he was hinting at or whether she'd just revealed to him the sort of thing that used to run through her mind when Kaiden was still her lieutenant.

He arched an eyebrow at her at that idea and it almost did seem a shame he couldn't live out that little scenario again but it hadn't changed all that much. "Doesn't matter Shepard, I may have been promoted but you still like to be in control of everything you do and I like to see you squirm when I take it away."

Shepard closed her eyes and shivered again, yes she had to admit she liked it too; the ever in control Commander Shepard liked to be dominated in the bedroom, albeit she didn't much like to submit it was more the struggle that was fun. "mmm, I know and I will squirm for you all you like Kaiden but first, please…" Her hands trailed back down to his waist and below the waistband of his underwear, searching out the hot silken flesh she knew she'd find therein. She gently stroked him and Kaiden let out a low moan, "Let me taste you." She breathed, her lips ghosting over his.

That had been what he was quietly hoping for, something they'd just never done for one reason or another and something he'd never wanted to have to ask her for. She felt him twitch in her hands as another moan rumbled low in his chest. He grabbed her very suddenly, crushing his lips to hers with a bruising force; imagining what it might feel like to have those lips wrapped around another part of his anatomy and kissing her all the harder in anticipation. His arms wrapped around her tightly and he flipped himself over onto his back pulling her over with him so she was suddenly on top.

She'd yelped with surprise, the sound muffled against his mouth, but she pulled away with a grin painted on her lips. "I take that as a yes then." She said brightly kissing him quickly before dipping her head to his neck.

She loved the way his skin felt and tasted as she worked her way down. Mimicking the actions he'd bestowed on her own neck a little while before, Kaiden's was not nearly so sensitive but it still managed to illicit some gasps of expectancy from him, she worked her way down. Taking her time over the spread of his chest and stomach that she loved so much, tracing each defined muscle contour with her tongue and fluttering kisses. She reached his belly button and the trail of hair that ran down the centre of his body into the confines of his underwear and looked up. Shepard tugged at his remaining clothing and Kaiden obligingly arched off of the bed so that she could slip them down over his thighs and leave him lying naked against her sheets.

Shepard took in the sight of him, laid bare and perfect on her bed, how she had longed to see that again, She shifted back and settled low on her knees between his thighs, Kaiden had raised his head to watch her anticipation burning in his dark eyes as she licked her lips teasingly and then lowered her head to him. Just a taste to begin with, delicate swipes of her tongue across the hot, hard flesh, urged on as Kaiden gasped his assent.

Gently she drew him into her mouth, encasing the tip of him in the wet heat and swirling her tongue around it seeking out the salty drops she knew would seep from him. Kaiden's hands fisted in the sheets beneath him as he moaned, hips jerking slightly involuntarily and then rhythmically as Shepard bobbed her head a set a pace drawing him in as deep as she could without gagging before sliding back up sucking roughly and trailing her tongue. What she couldn't draw into her mouth she grasped tightly in her hand and stroked in time with her movements.

Kaiden felt lost to the sensations that were coursing through his body, he'd watched as long as he could but had soon thrown his head back against the bed, eyes screwed shut tight and mouth open as he moaned in abandon. So long, it had been so long, solo flights were nothing in comparison with the pleasure her mouth could draw from him. He'd let of the sheet and dragged his fingers through her hair, mussing the tight knot that had barely fallen loose through all of their antics so far. He tugged on it hard enough to hurt feeling the urge to thrust deeper into her and trying to resist, still his hips jerked in time and Shepard held him steady controlling the pace that was both comfortable for her and pleasing for him.

His moans grew louder, making Shepard glad that her quarters were on a floor of their own on the Normandy SR2, if it had been the former Normandy they'd probably have awoken the entire crew. She knew he was close and upped her efforts, gripping him tighter, her mouth a rhythmic vacuum; jaw beginning to ache but she was nothing if not determined to finish him, he was close and she knew it.

"Fuck! Shepard I'm…" Was all the warning she got, spat out between gasps and moans as he reached his peak and erupted in climax. She held him fast in her mouth, drinking in his pleasure gleefully as he panted slowly recovering from the high.

Once he began to twitch away, her touch too much to bear so soon after orgasm, Shepard placed a last final kiss on the tip of his manhood and moved over him grinning like the Cheshire cat.

"So? Glad you relinquished your control Commander Alenko?"


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: ****Warning same as previous chapter for lemons (but if you've been reading you should probably have guessed that already XD) A massive thanks to all of my readers and reviewers I really apprecaite it and am glad that you're liking my story.**

**Now I am wondering, do I end this one here, or should I write a morning after chapter?  
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Kaidan looked up at Shepard as she crept her way back up along his body, the shit eating grin the quirked her lips bugged him as she purred her words. She was just too damn pleased with herself and he wanted to be able to wipe that smile away, take back the control again and make her writhe, curse and beg beneath him. He wasn't sure whether it was stripping Shepard of her normally rock steady control that he liked or whether he really was as much a control freak as she was, either way with her the consequence was the same. A battle of wills and bodies that could drive him past breaking point time and again and still he wanted more.

He was still reeling from his orgasm but also still incredibly aroused watching her move above him, teasingly close but not once brushing skin. All the things he longed to do, longed to hear, ran through his mind and Kaidan felt the stirrings of lust begin to awaken him again. He knew it wouldn't take long to be ready to go again and was thankful that'd he'd be able to have her just the way he wanted.

He never found his tongue to reply to her question instead he wrapped her in his arms and yanked her down against him, lips crashing and tongues tangling as he kissed her almost viciously, tasting himself in her mouth and finding it not overly unpleasant. Shepard was still fully clothed and like her earlier Kaidan began to have the urge to feel skin, to press her naked against him and feel her re-built body for what it really was. He tugged at her shirt raising it up as he trailed warm delicate hands over her waist and stomach, tracing the lines of her ribs with his fingers and feeling her whimper against his lips. He reached her breasts and cupped them gently in his hands, feeling her nipples perk in response through the fabric of her bra.

Shepard sighed, blissing at his touch; oh how much she had missed those hands on her flesh. Then he squeezed suddenly, roughly, fingers digging into her soft and delicate flesh. She tore her lips from him in a surprised gasp a movement of which Kaidan took advantage of by whipping her top over her head and letting it pool at her elbows. Shepard shook her head as she raised up on her arms to slide the shirt fully off, "You know you could have just asked."

"That way was more fun." He replied huskily quickly dragging her back to him and resumed his attack on her lips, hands returning to her breasts where he fondled gently drawing shivers out of her as he toyed with her nipples. She enjoyed the gentle touches but couldn't help but think they wouldn't last and Shepard was soon squirming in anticipation of when the next sudden sharp shock of pain would come and thrill her lustful body. And it did, nipples pinched and pulled hard and tight between finger and thumb; she cried out against his lips but kept contact with him for as long as she could until it became too much and she had to let out a cry to the air. It was then that he stopped, fingers gently then smoothing her hair and face as she gasped and shivered in his arms.

Tenderly he lay her back on the bed, shifting to lay beside her rather than beneath, bodies touching along every inch possible. He kissed her gently, lips, cheeks, neck and down her chest as he watched it heave. He encased her hard buds in his warm mouth through the thin fabric of the underwear she still wore, soothing each nipple he'd just abused. She hissed slightly at the sudden sting of his renewed touch but it soon faded leaving her to feel the brush of his tongue and the heat of his breath against her.

He'd heard her hiss and felt her body flinch for a moment and as he finished his ministrations Kaidan shifted back up to be even with her face; softly glimmering with sweat and eyes heavy lidded, "I didn't hurt too much?" He asked softly, voice almost a purr as he enquired. While a part of him seemed to have this desire to cause her some pain he also still loved her and didn't want it to be too much. She'd seemed responsive to the roughness but he still had to check to be sure.

"I'm made of tough stuff Kaidan." She muttered back, the smallest of smirks tugging at her lips.

"Can't argue with that." He smiled, his concerns eased.

She smiled at him, reaching to stoke his cheeks, the rough and aggressive Kaidan was new (in bed at least) and Shepard rather liked it, however she was glad to see that the old Kaidan had not entirely disappeared either. Her breasts ached slightly but it was almost a pleasant sensation and she was keen for more of his touch.

"No more concerns Kaidan, trust me, if you really hurt me you'll know about it." She smirked; his face clasped in her hands, and then she drew him down to her lips once again wishing he'd never stop kissing her.

Kaidan shook his head going back to kissing her with fervour, hands sliding back to her breasts; squeezing lightly before moving to inch away the straps of her bra. Shepard arched off of the bed and Kaidan knew what she was hinting at him to do. His arms disappeared around her back and fiddled with the clasp of her bra until he managed to get it undone. He slipped it off of her arms and cast it to the floor where his own clothes had been unceremoniously discarded.

His chest was hot, almost scalding against her as she was pressed to him; his hands raked down her back and clutched at her behind, still cloth covered but that would be the next to go. Shifting her over onto her back Kaidan attacked her belt and practically tore open her pants, which soon joined the steadily growing pile of clothing on the cabin floor.

Shepard laughed, "Now who's the eager one?"

Kaidan didn't reply with more than a throaty growl as his mouth went back to attacking her body, every exposed inch of skin fell prey to his attack. To him she tasted glorious, her skin was just the same as he remembered it Cerberus really had done the perfect job in making Shepard exactly who she was before she died. He reached her thighs and resumed the trail of bites up the insides of her legs, teeth digging into the soft flesh, wanting to make her whimper and squirm again.

She didn't disappoint him, her back arching off of the bed as she felt his hot breath, his mouth on the sensitive skin of her inner thighs climbing higher but carefully avoiding the apex of where she was desperate for him to touch her. Small in coherent noises escaped her throat, unable to control them, as she fisted the covers in her hands to resist the urge to twist his hair in her fingers and force his mouth higher. Stubborn as she was she would not give away that last ounce of control he had yet to strip from her. So instead Shepard lay back and suffered his delicious tormenting, the bites leaving marks just as red as he had on her jaw and her neck and his tongue playing tantalisingly along the crease where her legs met her body and parts that pulsed with desire for him.

He kept at it for some time, a small part of him willing for her to lose it a beg him to touch her, give her some relief, but he also knew her stubbornness was seemingly endless and if she was determined enough he could be there for hours and neither of them would enjoy it as much as he could. Feeling the stirrings of lust rising in him again Kaidan gave in and started to inch her underwear down her long legs.

His action drew a pause in Shepards frantic whimpering, her lower lip bitten to bleeding again from trying to stifle the sounds. She loosed her grip on the sheets, arched off of the bed to let him easily remove her final item of clothing then snaked her fingers through his hair and drew him back to where she wanted him most.

A moan of relief escaped her lips as his mouth engulfed her, tantalising her overcharged nerves and taking barely any time at all to tip her dangerously close to the edge. She wrapped as much of his coarse dark hair as she could grasp around her fingers and tugged, hard, dragging him closer; hips bucking against his tongue as it stroked and probed all of the right places. Her breath came in pants carrying yelps and moans of pleasure with; "So close…" She breathed.

Kaidan allowed himself a small smile against her flesh then wrapped his lips around the hard bundle of nerves beneath his tongue, sucking sharply and then abruptly letting go before he pitched her over the edge. He'd stopped entirely, backing away from her molten heat to kiss back up her legs, stomach and chest as she panted, deliriously close to orgasm.

"Wha…Why?…Ugh, fuck Kaidan …" Shepard moaned in frustration as her naked lover moved higher between her thighs, a hard length of heat pressing against slick folds. She tried to rub against him, create some more friction to send her crashing into the climax he was holding just out of arms reach, but he pressed down pinning her hips to the bed and preventing any movement he didn't instigate.

The desperation in her tone of voice thrilled him, stroking his ego as the last of her control started to crumble. "Say it Shepard." He breathed into her ear, "Tell me what you want."

"Shit" She hissed, "God Kaidan don't tease me like this, I need you now." Kaidan shifted his hips tearing a gasp from Shepards lips. "Oh, please Kaidan fuck me, now please."

They were the words he'd wanted to hear, she'd said them the first time on a whim but there hadn't been the same desperation in her tone, he could have refused then but having dragged her this far he'd fear for his safety should he try to walk away. Refusing however was not on his mind; the hardness that had started to ache again between his legs was dictating his thoughts. He smiled, caught Shepards lips in a kiss and buried himself deep inside of her in one swift movement.

His kiss couldn't stifle the scream that tore from her lips as he sank inside of her molten core. Shepard wrapped him in her arms, nails raking down the broad expanse of his back as he filled her completely over and over; hips rising to meet his thrusts. Her head swam, delirious from the first orgasm that had gripped her overly sensitised body as soon as he'd impaled her onto his length, never before had she been so quickly pushed to completion but already she could feel the sensation start to build again.

Legs followed arms in wrapping him up, her well-toned muscles pulling him in deeper with every thrust. His hands gripped her behind, raising her hips even higher to meet him and Shepard felt sure she'd never been filled so completely before. The sounds of twined moans and hot slapping flesh filled the room as their coupling reached its peak throwing them both violently into another climax.

Shepard saw stars, "Fuck! Oh man Kaidan I love you." She gasped.

He laughed breathlessly, his arms giving out and he collapsed onto her chest for a moment before shifting to the side so as not to crush her with his weight. "I love you too Shepard, if only great sex were enough."

She pouted, limply striking out a backhanded slap to his chest that made the barest of cracks on impact, she was too exhausted to put any effort behind it. "Don't put a downer on the moment with your thinking Kaidan please." She admonished sleepily. "We have the morning for that sort of thing. You are staying until then aren't you?"

"Yeah, I'll be here." He purred, shifting the both of them to draw the bed covers of their sweat glistened bodies. "I'm going to need that long for my legs to start working again."

It was Shepards turn to laugh as she snuggled in against him, the pull of sleep tugging at her eyelids. "My plan all along, goodnight Kaidan."

"Goodnight Shepard."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: ****Ok final chapter of this short little fic, hope you enjoyed it and thank you to every one who had read, reviewed, faved etc I really appreciate it. (hope it doesn't get too soppy near the end XD)**

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Kaidan awoke before Shepard the next morning. He'd led silently for a while and listened to her careful, rhythmic breathing pondering what he should do. A part of him was almost tempted to try and sneak away, he wouldn't leave her without a word of course he'd send a message or something and tell her that their night had been great but he wasn't sure they could really make anything of it but even to him that sounded cowardly. Besides hadn't he declared last night that he still loved her? How was running off going to help him, if anything it would probably drive him more crazy and he didn't really want to hurt her again like he knew he had on Horizon.

But it wasn't just the thought of possibly hurting her that kept him lying beside Shepard in her bed, he did love her and that should mean something more shouldn't it, if anything shouldn't love be worth the effort. He knew it wasn't going to be perfect and it was going to be hard to accept everything that was going on, they may have been on the same side but the Alliance and Cerberus were never truly going to be on the best of terms, but somehow they should at least try to make it work right?

Besides throwing away the first woman in a long time that could make him feel like that was probably a really stupid thing to do, the night before Ilos had definitely not been a fluke. It made him hard again to just think about her writhing beneath him, back arched and head thrown back in abandon as his name is screamed from her lips. No he really would be a fool to just throw all that away because he was sure if he just walked out on her in that moment Shepard would never give him another chance, he would have hurt her pride far too much. And anyway his little memory trip had left him wanting something else entirely.

He looked down at her still silently slumbering form and smiled, his fingers trailing along her jaw and tracing the faint red marks that still peppered her skin from his onslaught of bites the night before. He truly hadn't meant to be quite so rough but he'd found he just couldn't help himself and Shepard hadn't really seemed to mind at all given the sort of words and sounds that were spilling out of her mouth.

As Kaidan's mind wandered his fingers continued to trail along Shepard's jaw and the light tickling sensation began to stir her from sleep. Her dozing mind couldn't make sense of what it was but it tickled almost like an insect, she twitched her head trying to flick whatever it was away successfully rousing herself some more from her slumber. The tickling stopped and was replaced by a touch that didn't move, just a soft resting of pressure along the line of her jaw which was certainly heavier than any insect she'd ever come across. Curious Shepard managed to crack her eyes open a little, sleep still clouding her vision and it took a few blinks before she could properly make out the outline of Kaidan lying beside her, his hand resting on her face.

"Hey." Shepard said with a sleepy smile.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Kaidan replied, planting a light kiss on her forehead.

"I'm glad you did. Don't ask me why but I had some crazy dream that you weren't going to be here when I woke up and, well, I'm pleased you still are."

"Yeah," Kaidan frowned slightly wondering whether to admit what he had been deciding on but quickly figuring it was probably best not to mention it. "I'm not going anywhere, not right now anyway."

Shepard shifted higher in the bed so she was not hooked under his arm against the broad expanse of his chest, as much as she liked being held in that position. "That's good because I really don't want to let you go again Kaidan and you should know that I'm pretty good at getting what I want."

He laughed, a low rumbling in his throat, at her words. "Can't deny that, but you know I'm going to have to go sometime Shepard. I mean this is just shore leave, I'm still with the Alliance and you're…"

"Cerberus, yeah I know." She cut across him in a dismal tone hating the reality check he was so good at broadcasting. "But this time around our jobs going to be the same, the whole universe will eventually be getting in on this and if Cerberus and the Alliance ca be working a little more closely, well, I'd be all for that idea."

Kaidan sighed, "I know you're right and I'm all for the idea, Cerberus funding or not I know that with you leading the ground team the job would get done and with the universes best interests in mind, I know how YOU work Shepard, but the bigger picture is going to be volatile."

"Maybe, but if we concentrate on fighting amongst ourselves then the Reapers are going to roll right through and take out the lot of us, human or not. We can't afford the pettiness, no one can right now. So I figure we work together to get it done and let them all fight it out after without me, because once this is all over I'm going to need one hell of a vacation. Saving the galaxy should be more than enough in the way of repayment for brining me back from the dead, at the end of all of this Cerberus can fight their own battles."

Her little speech made him smile, the stories of Shepard working for Cerberus had stunned him and he had to question just how strong her loyalties to the organisation and their questionable exploits were but he should have known Shepard still just had her own agenda; stopping the Reapers was all that really mattered to her and if she couldn't get it done with the Alliance then the opportunity to do it with outside help must have been very welcome, even given the way it had presented itself.

"You really don't feel any loyalty to them?" Kaidan had to ask.

Shepard shook her head. "I did I'll admit, in some way at least. They spent a hell of a lot of time and money rebuilding me, I didn't ask for it but I sure as hell was grateful, am still grateful. But no, I don't trust or agree with a lot of the things they do and the Illusive Man is the worst of it. He's a little like me in a way, willing to do pretty much anything to get the job done, he just doesn't seem to have quite the same sense of loyalty to the people that help him as I do."

"What about the Alliance, would you consider coming back?" He found the question having to be asked again, albeit a little hesitantly.

She could sense the hope in his tone and the way he was carefully avoiding her gaze. It was a nice idea, the Alliance had been her family for such a long time, but so much had changed in those past three years it seemed almost impossible. "I just really don't think I can Kaidan," She said shifting as close to him as she could, pressing her body against his side and curling her arms around his neck. "Too much has changed, they abandoned me and after all of this Cerberus business I'm not exactly sure I'd be welcomed back. And besides, it's not like we'd ever be crewed together again Commander Alenko, no need for two Commanders on one ship now is there."

She had a point and he knew it, "Yes I suppose you're right, I just…well what do you think you will do?"

"I really don't know Kaidan, we'll just have to play it by ear. To be honest the way things have been this past year, or even before that, it seems like tempting fate to plan even a week in advance. There's a hell of a lot of shit heading our way Kaidan and I think just trying to get through it on the winning side is most important right now." Shepard didn't like the serious turn their conversation had taken, although she was glad they were having it because it was important however as he'd said this was shore leave and after all of the stressing she had done over her choices in the galactic core she'd finally started to relax and enjoy herself. "Well, that and enjoying the last bit of free time we have in what might be a long time."

Kaidan smiled as Shepard swung one leg over his body and was suddenly sat straddling his waist. "I take that as a hint that the time for serious conversation has past."

She grinned back and kissed him quickly. "I'm glad we talked, but as we've got all that to come I want to enjoy every last second I get to spend with you to the fullest. I love you Kaidan, whatever the future holds for us nothing is going to change that."

He didn't reply but pulled her down into a hard, passionate kiss, his arms surrounding her and pressing her tight to his body enjoying the moment before rolling her onto her back; finding himself pressed between her legs. "I love you too." He whispered a moment before entering her; drawing a ragged moan from her lips.

Shepard wrapped her legs around his back to pull him deeper, relishing in his lips as they played delightfully on her neck. _This has to be perfection, _she thought to herself as she met his rhythmic thrusts with the rising of her hips and if there was the possibility of more of it to come after the final fight with the Reapers Shepard was going to make damn sure the both of them survived it; after all what else was worth risking everything to save the galaxy for if not for love?


End file.
